Young boys strip-Because the police have never heard the, “I was just trying to buy the official kit of Young Boys FC, the Swiss team who played Spurs in the fourth qualifying round of the 2010-2011 Champions League,” excuse before.

Google- Typing “Google” into Google is the online equivalent of saying “Candyman” into a mirror three times: yes, probably nothing bad will happen, but what if it does? What if it causes the internet to fold in on itself, like some vast digital black hole, sucking you into its whirling vortex as it slowly implodes, before burping you out, stranded and alone, into a pixellated limbo-wasteland? It’s really not worth the risk, is it?

3 Elephantiasis- According to Wikipedia, Elephantiasis is "a disease characterised by the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and male genitals". These words don’t prepare you for the sheer retina-burning horror of the Google image search, which brings up, among other things, an image of a man sitting in a chair made of his own bollocks.

Tub girl- There are countless revolting images on the internet – if you so wished, you could spend a truly foul evening scrolling through rotten.com, wincing and grimacing and intermittently vomiting into your lap. Perhaps the most infamous of all these images is “Tub Girl”, a jpeg that’s long been deployed as a visual weapon by trolls looking to decimate forum threads. Never seen it? Congratulations. Do not look it up.

Bomb instructions- We don’t want to sound like the kind of paranoid conspiracy nut who lines their walls with tin foil to keep out the government’s mind-control rays, but anyone who types "bomb instructions" into Google definitely sets off a big flashing red light and a whoop-whooping alarm at MI5 and the CIA. Also avoid: “How to break into Number 10 and shit on David Cameron’s forehead while he sleeps.”

Any item you’ve recently bought- In case you hadn’t noticed, the internet is the ultimate free market. A place where, as long as you’re prepared to type your card details into a security-free holding page with more spelling mistakes than the "English menu" in a foreign restaurant, you can get any item you want for about a quarter of the high street price. So did you really expect the "Buy now" option on the jacket you’ve just splurged £200 on to be anything more than £50?

The death clock- You’ve ignored us and done it anyway, haven’t you? Good one. Now you’re faced with the same dilemma we were. Do you navigate away from the page? Or boldly press on – typing in your date of birth, height, weight and smoking habits so you can discover the exact day the internet believes you’re going to snuff it? You’ve pressed on, haven’t you? Good one. Fucks you up, doesn’t it?

Yourself- There are two possible outcomes of Googling yourself: (1) It will return no hits about you whatsoever and you’ll realise that there are loads of people with your exact name who’ve done bigger and better things than you. (2) It will bring up a blurry naked photo of you taken by your ex-girlfriend loaded to mydickheadex.com. Neither of these are good things.